|
ADVICE We have a new advice column, and would like to encourage you to write in questions. Just email your question to info@GuileWorld.com, subject Dear Steph and El. In the meantime, we answered some “Dear Abby” letters to get the ball rolling, and we wanted to show you our chops. DEAR ABBY: My parents are planning a family vacation -- it's an annual tradition in my family. The problem is my sister-in-law has been inviting members of her family without consulting my parents beforehand. This is supposed to be a special event that both my parents and I feel should be limited to only our side of the family, not hers. We feel helpless to stop her from inviting everyone in her family, because we don't know how to tell her, "Please stop because this is not an open invitation event." She has done this before with other events, and the results were chaotic. The last thing we want is to have this vacation in chaos, but if her family is there it will be inevitable. What can we do to stop this without stirring up a hornet's nest? Or must we all smile through gritted teeth all throughout this vacation? -- GRITTING AWAY IN SAN JOSE Dear GRITTING AWAY IN SAN JOSE: First of all, gritting you teeth, also known as TMJ, is terrible for you! it wears down the enamel on your teeth and causes neck tension. Be careful with that, you could end up with cracked teeth and that’s not only a bother but a HUGE expense. What is San Jose like? Stucco houses, burritos, warm desert air… it sound great! Back in the 70’s Steph’s step-mom used to get drunk and listen to that song, “Do you know the way to Santa Fe?” She was divorced at the time. Your letter reminds us of that. You say you don’t want to enter into a “hornet's nest”? Seems like a shit storm to us. When El was little he stuck a stick into a hornets nest... nothing happened. Bottom line, we all know traditions are important to Jews, so it’s best to try and work it out! Our advise to you is to make a voodoo doll of your sister in law, and stick a pin in her leg, that way she won't be able to even go on the vacation. But do what you feel-only you know what is right for you—STEPH & EL DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon, but the engagement has not yet been formally announced. I am 42 years old, and this will be my first wedding. Although I know my friends and family will be happy for me, I anticipate a number of people saying, "It's about time -- what took so long?" They'll think they are being funny, but really, it's a sensitive subject and it makes me want to respond with a sarcastic retort. What's an appropriate response so I can take the high road? -- WANTS TO BE POLITE IN CALIF. Dear WANTS TO BE POLITE IN CALIF: What is a sarcastic resort? We went to Palm Springs once-that was pretty sarcastic. “Everybody was like brrr I’m cold.. Not!” Jealous people think they are funny, but they really want what you have or to copy you! Don’t let them copy you! 42 was the age Jesus was when he was killed, maybe you can tell THAT to your friends, or you could also say “fuck all y'all jealous bitches!" When we are 42 we want to be homeowners. We also want to have a monkey, a big comfy beanbag chair, and be in a feature film. Open up a bottle of wine so you can relax. Weddings are stressful, and it's hard to meet guys. Just be glad you won't die alone.-- STEPH & EL DEAR ABBY: I have just started college, and I'm afraid I made a mistake in my selection of colleges. My decision was between two schools. One was in my home state and fairly close to my family; the other was out of state. I chose to attend the college in my home state because it is ranked slightly higher academically and because the tuition would be significantly less. The school I rejected is located in a large city that's very different from where I live. Abby, I can't help but feel that I have made a mistake. I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on the experience of living someplace different and being away from home. I don't want to be haunted by the "what if" factor, but it's always in the back of my mind. I worry that I'll spend the next four years wondering how my life might have been if I had gone to the out-of-state school. How can I stop feeling this way? -- NEW COLLEGE STUDENT Dear NEW COLLEGE STUDENT: When Steph wants to stop feeling something, she takes a Vicadin and lies on the bed with a gel mask over her eyes-works every time. El has anonymous sex; that can leave you numb. When Steph went to Vassar the dormitories were haunted with the ghosts of suicidal coeds. Those girls did headers out of their buildings. The pressure of college can lead to suicide. One time Eliot saw his grandma’s ghost sitting on the edge of his bed. She didn’t say shit! It was creepy but cool. Two roads diverged, or in your case two colleges, and you took the safe road. This is your fault, next time use your instincts!—STEPH & EL DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to an otherwise great guy I'll call "Wayne," who has a bad habit. He calls me by his ex-wife's name. The first couple of times it happened, I called it a mistake. But now it happens habitually, and I'm at my wit's end. Wayne says I should be more forgiving because they were married a long time and have kids together. I say they divorced for a reason. They have been apart almost five years, and his ex has remarried. He has dated other women before me. Her name should be out of his vocabulary by now. Wayne claims this also happened with the other women he dated, and they didn't make such a big fuss. He blames it on my insecurities. Am I making too big a deal of this, or am I entitled to my feelings? I've had nightmares about it happening at the altar. I don't think I'd be big enough to forgive that. What do you think? Dear WHAT'S IN A NAME: Wayne is so forgetful! That's funny! But, at least he sounds like a great lover! You might want to have him checked for old timers. Try wearing a post-it note on your forehead or make him write your name over and over. One time Steph lost one of her gloves it was expensive too-fur lined! Names are important. Personally, we like the name “Ann”. It's modern and old fashioned at the same time, like Anne Bowlin, wife of Queen Henry the 8th. “Linda” is also nice. It means pretty in French. We also like the name of some spices like cardamom, and turmeric. You could change your name to his ex wife’s name, and if he still messes it up, then you will know that he is playing games with you or is just plain stupid! Follow your instincts and good luck! – STEPH & EL DEAR ABBY: What's the correct protocol for parents of a newly engaged couple to meet? Should the bride's parents make the initial contact to the parents of the groom to arrange a meeting, or vice versa? This has been bugging me for some time. -- BUGGED IN BURR RIDGE, ILL. Dear BUGGED IN BURR RIDGE: In England bugged means f---ed! So be careful with how you want to express yourself, you are sending out mixed messaged! In England they also say "fag" and that means "cigarette." We think London is cool, but too expensive! Also, watch the carbs when you travel there, we gained a lot of weight from all those scones. It's hard to be healthy there, but you don't have to tip your waiter because taxes pay for everything including health care and education. London is diffused with beautiful light; no wonder English women have such creamy complexions, have you heard the term "English rose?" That means creamy skin, red lips, and good manners. “I am the lord of the manor, please make ready for the hunt." That’s how they talk. We are planning a trip there and will send you a postcard. Good luck and use your instincts. – STEPH & EL DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Grant" for eight years. Soon after our marriage I learned he was a compulsive liar. Grant told me while we were dating that he had a sister. I later learned the woman was a friend. He said he was divorced from his second wife when we met. They weren't divorced until one month before our wedding, something I discovered only when I found his divorce papers. Grant's first wife swears they are still married. He says they're divorced, but he lost the divorce papers. A year ago, I found out my husband was never in the Marines like he said, and after eight years of believing he had a BA in business, I just learned he dropped out of college after his freshman year. I have just about had it with his constant lying. He has also cheated on me. I want a divorce, but I don't want to look like a failure to my family and friends. Grant is begging me to stay. He promises he'll change, but I have heard that all before. What should I do? -- WIFE Dear WIFE: He said that he was dating his sister! That should have set off alarms. Haven’t you ever watched those crime stories where the killer moves from town to town changing his identity? Grant is a pretty name, though. One time Steph told me she was "having lunch with a friend", but she was really off seeing "Chicago", and those tickets are like $100! El would have been sad about the whole Marines thing. Does he have a Marine look? Your husband has woven a quilt of lies, and he embroidered it with the colorful threads of fancy and imagination. The more you stay in it the more tied up in the yarn you're going to get; each pretty flower is just another lie. You are like a mouse trapped in a tarantula's web, the more you struggle, the more stuck you are, like a spider on a wheel. Like in Lord of the Rings, your husbands’ lies have led you into a dark cave where you are hunted by a spider. You are like a bee caught in honey-it's sweet but it can sting you. If you are allergic to bees and one stings your tongue, you could smother in your own vomit. To your husband, lies are like the evil ring of Sauron, binding him to a hideous fate. What is his body like? Use your instincts and good luck. – STEPH & EL . •• |
